A Blessing

We found out in February that the Lord has blessed our family with a baby!  We’re continuing to pray that this baby will be a sticky one.  So far, so good.  I had an ultrasound last week and we saw a baby with a strong heartbeat.  Nausea and exhaustion have been my friends for the past several weeks which we are taking as good signs.

I debated on whether to post at all.  We have gone through two miscarriages in the past two years and lost three babies.  Knowing we had a missed miscarriage in 2015 (where we saw the heartbeat and then the baby later passed) in the midst of all of Emmie’s stuff, we chose to keep silent with the babies in November and December until it was “safe.”  It was so very hard mourning in silence.  Especially when it was our two babies.  I still haven’t been able to put into words a memorial like I did with our baby Isaac.

Recently, I’ve read several articles about how we hide miscarriages.  Try not to share pregnancy too early for fear the baby won’t ever be held…I’m not sure why we hide.  Why do we need to mourn in silence?  In the past two years, we’ve have three babies who are gone forever.  But, before they were gone, they were here.  They were a blessing and they were our gifts.

Just like our babies we said good-bye to too soon, this baby, is a blessing.  All babies are.  Something I shared when we found out we were pregnant with Emmie after our hardest miscarriage was this exact fact.

We’re cautiously optimistic with this baby.  Anything can happen.  Experience has taught us that.  But today, we choose to celebrate in our blessing.  In all of the exhaustion and nausea.  This baby is a blessing.  This baby is loved.  This baby is wanted.  Oh is this baby wanted.


His Name Would Have Been Isaac

He was due between March 27th and April 1st.  But, because the early ultrasound showed the due date close to April 1st and I was likely going to be able to pick a due date since this was almost definitely going to be a repeat c-section, I told Mark we would go for April 1st.  I was excited about the name Isaac.  It means laughter.  How appropriate to deliver a baby boy on a fun day, April Fool’s Day and to rejoice in laughter at the gift of a baby.   We were ready for laughter.  It has been a hard year.

Things were going good.  Emmie was doing great and we were winding down and getting ready to say good-bye to Y the Brave (as much as we dreaded it).  Then Emmie fell.  And we were in the hospital for the most of August.  I thought things were going well for Baby Isaac as morning sickness had settled in and I had, virtually, a week of bed rest while taking care of Emmie.

On the day Emmie was discharged, I had a red flag that things weren’t going as great as we thought for the baby.  That was a Friday.  The red flags kept coming throughout the weekend.   The confirmation came on Monday at the doctor’s office.  The day before Y the Brave returned to Europe.  Baby Isaac was gone.  His beautiful little heart that was so strong at just under six weeks had stopped beating.

The day after we said goodbye to Y the Brave, Mark and I quietly said goodbye to another baby.  We had him at the same hospital I have had ten (almost eleven…the eleventh, of course born to a wonderful mama in another country) of my babies and his earthly body is resting with his brother’s in a beautiful garden that holds all the remains of precious lives that never got to walk this earth.

We didn’t tell the kids until recently.  Our pastor knew and our close friends and family knew.  But, we have held this secret for every one else until now.  My heart has been aching to share.  To let people know there was a beautiful child here and that he isn’t now.  October is Miscarriage and Stillborn Awareness Month and I have seen post after post that cried out to me and let me know that I was not alone.  I wanted to shout at the mamas who shared that they were not alone.  That the feelings were still raw and real here too.  Yet we have grieved ever so silently for this life that we feel is gone too soon.

And then come the gender reveals and announcements of pregnancies because mamas feel that the pregnancy is “out of the woods” for problems.  I have rejoiced over and over with my amazing sweet friends.  Especially those who have walked this all too familiar road and are now anticipating a beautiful little one.  But the tears still come for our little one who we won’t meet.  This first year after a loss is so hard.  Please forgive me dear friends if the comments are short and quick.  Please know we rejoice but know we also think about our little Isaac who is not here.

I know we have a lot to deal with with our children here on earth and our adoption and Super Ems.  But our Baby Isaac, although a surprise, was very much wanted and loved.

So, we rejoice over Isaac.  That we’ll see him again.  And that he is in a much better place than we could ever imagine.  I grieve over Isaac.  Never having been able to hold his beautiful body.  Kiss his sweet cheek.  Watch his brothers and sisters ooh and aah over him.  And we trust that God is the giver of Life and is with us through death too.